


Talk Dirty To Me aka Some Call it a Footstool(inski-Hale)

by FiccinDylan



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Dirty Talk, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Misunderstandings, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-21 14:05:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4831907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiccinDylan/pseuds/FiccinDylan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mind is a terrible thing to waste.<br/>A dirty mind is a <i>wonderful</i> thing to share.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Dirty To Me aka Some Call it a Footstool(inski-Hale)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JennyEllenWicked](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyEllenWicked/gifts).



> Hi Guys! First off this is for the illustrious Jenny whose birthday it is today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY! 
> 
> I'd convinced her that I had this story at the bottom of my list, but I've secretly been working on it, lol! Surprise! Love you!  
> You guys should know that Jenny is the beta of my soul and fosters my ridiculous ideas to you so that you can (hopefully, ahem) enjoy them! This one's for you, doll!
> 
> Little background:
> 
> Erica and Boyd are alive and well. Jackson is in London. Derek still gave up his alpha for Cora and left Beacon Hills for a year. S3B didn't happen (so Allison is also alive and the twins are in the pack), but they still meet Kira. S4 doesn't exist and Sean the wendigo was saved the night on the hospital roof and is becoming a member of Scott's pack. This takes place after Stiles gets back from San Diego for the summer and they're about to start their senior year (let's say junior year was s3B and was pretty uneventful and not harrowing in any way to Stiles).
> 
> See end notes for tag warning. Rated M because dirty talk, but no real sexytimes. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**

 

“Be it ever so humble,” Stiles murmurs to himself as he passes the still familiar landmarks on his drive. He’d only been gone a few months, but it felt like an eternity. He feels like something should have changed, something should be different, but yet everything is the same. Mrs.Gill tending to her shitty little garden, Mr. Sansbury sitting on a stool outside of the barbershop talking to anyone who walks by. This poor town seems stuck and Stiles feels stuck with it.

Not that he should complain. Things have been going really well since they ran the Darach and Alpha Pack out of town. It’s just that now with all the death defying stuff out of the way, Stiles was forced to concentrate on the depth of his _sameness_. He’s still Stiles Stilinski, still human, and still forever alone. He sighs as he watches some guy crossing the street with his arm around some girl. That should be him! And really either space would be preferable, they were both super hot.

Stiles' last (and heretofore only) prospect was killed by the darach and if that isn’t the most depressing thing ever then consider the fact that one of the reasons Stiles was most upset is because he was _this_ close to getting laid! Okay, listen, Stiles loved Heather. They were childhood friends, hell they took baths together ( _this close!_ ), but he knew the deal. He wasn’t her long time first love and she wasn’t his, but they trusted each other and felt comfortable giving their first time to one another. Or would have if some crazy psycho bitch hadn’t kidnapped and garroted her.

Stiles turns down the dirt road towards the newly minted Hale house and continues to bemoan his lack of a dating situation. He grumbles while looking at the colorful leaves that artfully litter the road in front of him. Everyone credits Spring with being the season of romance, but those people are just shortsighted. Fall easily trumps all the seasons when it comes to fostering young love. Soft comfy sweaters wrapped around a young couple as they sip hot cocoa in front of a bonfire of crispy leaves? Hiking through the forest, inhaling the crisp autumnal air while guiding your relationship co-haver to a secret spot where there’s a fallen log you had your first kiss on or a brook where you first skinny dipped? And when you arrived, there would be a picnic basket and blanket and no threat of hay fever or pollen? Fucking pumpkin spice!?

“Pfft, pumpkin spice is sexy as _fuck_!” Stiles says, seeing the private drive that leads directly to the main house. He wants someone to share all of those things with and even despite the terribleness of losing Heather, he feels like he could make a relationship happen if he could just get in the right headspace. The only person who’s got him even remotely interested (and by _remotely_ he means - made him question his entire sexuality and everything he was attracted to because hot _damn_ them buns) is a moody, broody _wereass_ by the name of Derek Hale. Who, coincidentally, is so far out of Stiles’ league, it’s a wonder they can inhabit the same ozone without some sort of international meteorological phenomena occurring. Also, Derek fucking hates him, so there’s that.

Stiles groans as he pulls into an empty spot in the driveway. Okay, so it’s not really fair to say Derek doesn’t like him. They just haven’t communicated much since.. well, _that_ summer. The summer Erica and Boyd went missing, and that was before the alpha pack and Jennifer were even a thing. After the Darach, Derek went to South America to be with Cora… and stayed for an entire year. Stiles tried to text him, and Derek even sent him a happy birthday, but any discussions further than that were ignored. Stiles had a million questions, but he could understand why Derek wasn’t interested in reliving the events surrounding two of his betas almost being killed, having to give up his alpha (that he got when killing his uncle) to save his sister, losing his pack and ending a pretty shitty relationship. Not even to kindle the spark Stiles thought was there between them, not even for a little communication that could have possibly resulted in a new relationship… maybe.

So as soon as Derek came back, Stiles happened to leave. He was gone for a few months helping his twin cousin Stuart. Yes, he has a twin cousin (his mother’s twin sister’s son, and they look exactly alike. They have a YouTube channel and everything!) and his uncle passed away from a heart attack a few years after Stiles’ mom died. Stiles immediately got his dad’s diet in check and every other summer he goes down to San Diego to help Stu with any house or car related projects that Stu would normally do with his dad.

He enjoyed it a lot. He was helping them do some light maintenance on Uncle Henry’s house and he loved hanging out with his cousin who was like a hornier, more self confident version of himself. Also, Stiles was close to his aunt, who was just enough like his mom to be comfortable, but just different enough for it not to be awkward. All in all it was a perfect summer, but he always felt that even a summer fling was just out of reach.

Hell, even Stu got laid by Daniel, the British expat pool boy who’d helped fix the tiling in the bottom of the pool. Stiles found them fucking in the pool house and was super jealous until Dan asked if he wanted to join and… Stu didn’t seem to bothered by it.

“Dude… boundaries.”

Still, Stiles can’t be judgmental. He still has that video on his phone. Sometimes he pretends it’s him giving it to the hot pool boy, pulling those blond, bouncing curls and then being startled when his twin cousin literally fucking steps on a rake causing the handle to slap him in the nose. That guy is such a dweeb.

Stiles shakes the memory from his head and turns off the car. He’s about to get out when his phone buzzes.

“Sup, dude?” Stiles answers, hearing music in the background.

“Bro! You on your way?” Of course it’s Scott. This is the first pack meeting at the start of the new school year and Stiles is super excited to see everyone. With Scott being a true alpha, he and Derek have been working to train him up good. They’ve been at it for about 6 months, 3 months remotely, and 3 months of in person training once Derek came back. Derek’s former pack members responded well to the change and basically migrated to Scott’s pack.

Their little band of misfits was growing and thriving and Stiles can't help but be a little proud. He’d had a lot of late night Skype sessions with Scott and together they developed training plans and strategies that Scott incorporated while Stiles was gone.

“Actually I just pulled up, buddy! I’m still in the car, do you need me to bring anything?”

“Just tell him to bring that sexy ass I keep hearing about.” Someone says in the background.

“Oh my god, Scott!” Stiles huffs out with a laugh.

“What?”

Stiles blushes and rolls his eyes, “Ha, okay bro, I’ll see you in a few.”

“Uhh, okay bro. Can’t wait to see you!” Scott says emphatically before disconnecting.

Stiles hangs up the phone. He can’t believe Scott has been telling people about his new physique. Especially the new pack members. Stiles knows they’ve got a couple of newbies, but he wonders how Stiles' body changes factored into the introduction? _'Yeah, Stiles is the resident pack human, but his ass got like woah over the summer!'_ hmmm, honestly Stiles wouldn't put it past Scott, he's always been his biggest fan.

3 months of manual labor over the summer left Stiles with a killer tan and some literal _actual_ muscles. He didn’t have a six pack, but he had a very impressively lean two pack. And because Aunt Claire was a terrible cook, but excellent dialer and takeout menu collector, his diet mostly consisted of pizza, Thai takeout and fried food. All of those trans fats translated to a mighty fine ass if Stiles says so himself. And he does.

He has. He thought Scott looked seriously weirded out when Stiles showed him how his booty do while twerking it over their Skype sessions, but now he sees that the look on Scott’s face was that of awe and wonder, and not confusion and mild disgust! Hell, he’s on the tan side of burnt, he grew a couple of inches out of nowhere and he’s grown out his buzzcut. Stiles Stilinski has become.. dare he think it? _Hott_?

Not Derek Hale levels of nuclear meltdown hot, but dammit he might just be able to get some ass this year. It sounds like at least someone was interested, right? He’s made first line in lacrosse, and he’s a senior, it’s in the bag! Stiles bounces happily out of the Jeep, finally happy for a lift to his sour mood. He walks towards the house and sees several of the pack sitting on the front porch. Cora and Erica are talking while Allison, Isaac and Boyd are playing a card game. Stiles calls out and they all wave and come down to greet him.

He gets big hugs from Erica (who pinches his ass before throwing him a playful wink… he winks right back) and Allison and a pat on the back from Cora. Really that’s a win, she’s not the most outwardly affectionate. Boyd shakes his hand and Isaac gives a small, but friendly wave. They all gather around him talking excitedly.

“Oh my god, Stiles! It’s so good to see you!”

“You look amazing!”

“Yeah, manual labor looks _good_ on you.”

“Turn around, let me see that jiggle.”

Stiles laughs and does a twirl to whistles and whoo's from his friends.

“Damn boy, want some fries with that shake?”

“You’re so tan, I can’t believe it!”

“Did you grow taller?”

“I know a part of me that _just_ grew taller... if I were laying down.”

“Oh my god you guys! Okay! You’re the best, I get it, jeez.” Stiles ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck which is slowly turning red. “Fries, really?”

The group look at each other smiling and Allison furrows her brow, “Yeah, we got burgers and fries and shakes inside. Actually Derek went to the diner and just got a bunch of everything, but I’m pretty sure there’s a pack of curly fries in there with your name on it!”

Stiles laughs and high-fives Ally before heading inside. Erica sidles along beside him.

“I’m sure Derek will give you the tour later, but the house is pretty fucking awesome, Stiles. They did so much in such a little time, evidently they were working on it while Derek was out of town.” Stiles knew, he drove by while they were doing demolition and would occasionally stop by. It was one of the reasons he decided to spend the summer in San Diego, the construction made him feel itchy to do something with his hands.

“Also, we have two new pack members we’re vetting; the girl is Kira and she’s a kitsune - I’m pretty sure she has the hots for Scott, and the guy’s name is Sean and he’s a wendigo. He’s kind of quiet, but also? Super hot, I’m just saying.” Erica teases as she pokes Stiles in his side. Stu often said that Stiles could melt an ice cream cone with his decided lack of chill, so of course everyone in the pack knew of his newfound sexual revelations.

“Can’t wait to meet him, ‘Rica. I don’t care about anything else this year, I’m _so_ getting laid. Hey everyone!” Stiles waves to a room of people that include Scott who is facepalming, newbie Sean who looks slightly confused and amused, Kira, who is… looking longingly at Scott, the twins who look bored, Lydia who is hiding her smile behind a magazine and Derek who’s holding a strawberry milkshake in his hand. He walks over and pushes it into Stiles’s chest before giving him a quick once over and shaking his head. He’s now only about an inch taller than Stiles, but _fuck_ if he’s not still about a million degrees hotter.

“Welcome back, Stiles. Glad to see you haven’t learned any tact.” Derek says in that infuriatingly sexy voice as he furrows his infuriatingly sexy eyebrows. Damn, Stiles need to get a grip.

Stiles snorts, “Please, I was working construction in San Diego, I know so many dirty Spanish phrases it would scandalize Scottie’s abuela. Hey man, I’m Stiles.” Stiles takes the shake and tries to shove Derek aside before just walking around him and sticking his hand out to the newbie. Erica wasn’t playing, Sean was pretty freaking hot. Tall, broad shouldered, blond with sweet light grey, sometimes green eyes. Scott of course had told him about Sean, but didn’t tell Stiles he was so… tasty.

After shaking hands politely, Stiles turns to Scott while throwing a thumb in Sean’s direction.

“This pack is getting far too many hot people in it!”

“Yeah, starting with you, cutie.”

Stiles turns and looks at Sean grinning. “It’s always the shy ones, huh?” Sean raises his eyebrows as Stiles heads to the couch to talk to Lydia.

Overall it’s a good meeting. Stiles feels welcomed back and even get’s Sean’s number, “I’m basically the pack secretary so any pertinent information would be good to give me. Do you have any tattoos?”

**

A week later and Stiles finds himself back on the road back to Derek’s for another pack meeting. It was a pretty good week. Stiles and Sean went to the arcade and then bowling. He seemed a little confused when Stiles kissed him goodnight and kept saying something about thinking it was pack bonding night (" _Yeah it is_!" Stiles kept answering), but Stiles just figured that despite that saucy mouth, Sean was probably a little shy. Stiles could work with that.

He did well in practice so coach made him the co- co-captain and he settled into his classes. He’s feeling good and accomplished as he pulls up to the house. Getting out, he struggles to get his phone so he can take some pictures of the siding. He’d told Aunt Claire about the wainscotting and she wanted to see an example. Unfortunately, this was easier said than done. The only losers in Stiles’ summer bulk up were his balls since most of his clothes are now pretty tight on him. Lydia says it’s a good look, but he’s either going to need to get some new clothes or do a lot of yoga and pilates for flexibility.

He’s bent over with his hand wedged in his back pocket, trying to get the right leverage for the phone to slip out.

“Damn boy, you just put it all out there, don’t you? If you want I can stick my hands in your pants and help you find what you’ve been missing.”

Stiles swings around to the porch and sees Isaac, Allison and Sean sitting on one of the swings. Isaac and Allison are talking to each other, but Sean is watching him intently. Stiles holds up his phone.

“Got it, but later though, definitely later.”

Sean cocks his head to the side and grins slightly, “Later? Maybe later-”

“Stiles get in here, we have a problem!” Scott yells from just inside the doorway. He’s waving Stiles in with some crisis on paper in his hands. Stiles throws Sean a wink and then follows Scott into the living room where Derek is standing at a table with maps spread out. Stiles goes to stand beside him.

“I think we have a problem, we sent Boyd and Isaac out on patrol and they said the boundaries were changed, like someone went through and reset it, but that’s impossible without mental manipulation, right? Those boundaries are set by runes and magic!”

“Damn boy, any room for me in those jeans?” Stiles looks over his shoulder and sees Sean standing directly behind him grinning. He looks at Scott and Derek who are watching him expectantly before snorting in Sean’s direction.

“Did you just quote Ginuwine to me? Jesus, Sean, read a room, am I right?” Stiles motions to Sean and shakes his head before looking back at the map.

“Uhh, Stiles, wha-”

“Dude, it looks like a trickster, don’t worry, I’ll take some muscle and we’ll go reset the boundaries and see if any of the runes have been messed with. I’m sure it will be fine, okay?” Stiles looks up at Scott who is looking at him incredulously. Scott was always a bit leery of Stiles’ emissary training under Deaton, and even though he doesn’t understand everything, he can’t deny that Stiles with knowledge has been an asset. Scott shrugs and nods his head before walking to go to the kitchen.

Stiles looks at the map some more and elbows Derek in his side.

“Hey, I didn’t get a chance to say it last week, but glad you’re back.”

“Same here.” Derek says, as stoically as possible. Stiles counts it as a win since it wasn’t said coldly or while platonically pushing him into a wall.

“Shit, Stiles. Your ass must be a crime because it’s got _fine_ written all over it!”

Stiles wrinkles his brow, “Damn, Sean. Really, that’s the be-” and Stiles stops because when he turns around he sees Sean on the couch talking to Lydia. And mid sentence too, like he’s always been talking to her and not paying Stiles any attention. Like now, not a single ounce of attention is being spared for Stiles Stilinski.

“Hmm… I thought you would respond to that corny pickup line, but I guess I need to be more forward. I wanna pull those pants to just below your tight little ass and I wanna grab a globe of it in my palm and squeeze until it pushes through my fingers and leaves a mark causing you to squeal. And then I’m going to raise my hand up and lick a smooth long line right on the palm before I find the meatiest part of your ass and spank the hell out of it until you learn your lesson for being that fucking you hot you criminal _slut_.”

And Stiles looks around wildly because it’s dawning on him that whoever is saying this shit to him is doing so telepathically and also _the call is coming from inside the house_ , and does that mean Sean is a trickster, but it can’t be Sean because Sean’s not even paying him any attention except now he is because Stiles is freaking the _fuck_ out thank you very much!

Everyone is looking at him strangely, and everyone looks concerned, but especially (and most strangely) Derek, whose look seems like it strode right past _wtf, Stiles_ and slid right into _fucking finally_ , which... _what_?

“Stiles? Are you okay, bro?” Scott says as he approaches Stiles slowly with his arms out. Stiles shakes his head and then nods.

“Yeah, I’m fine, heh, I’m paying fines for my ass, I mean.. uhh, okay I gotta go!” And Stiles promptly and gracelessly gets the fuck outta there. He races home ignoring his blaring phone with one hand on the wheel and another hand with its palm digging into his crotch.

He gets home and runs up to his room and in about three seconds his undershirt is off (but oddly not his flannel) and his pants are off of one leg and one of his hands is shoved into his underwear, jacking his dick for his life as he imagines those dirty ridiculous words falling out of Derek’s mouth. After he comes so hard he blacks out a bit, he lies on the bed and thinks about the state of his life.

Okay, so it was definitely Derek. Outdated pop culture references, unnecessarily raunchy words that are only said by someone who knows he’s hot but doesn’t know he’s so hot that he doesn’t need to try that hard, and of course, playing to his audience (Stiles’) love of corny pickup lines? Definitely Derek.

What Stiles couldn’t figure out is if Derek was complimenting him or making fun of him? Did he want all up on that or was this a new, creative way to fuck with Stiles? Should Stiles mind? Of course he should mind, he has self respect, right? Then he wonders if Derek even knows it’s happening? Derek’s face is always kind of blank, but he didn’t look like he’d just told Stiles he wanted to bend him over and spank him like the naughty boy he was.

Shit, would Stiles have noticed if he did? The memory of everything after those words were said is all a bit hazy. After a long leisurely shower of replaying those words, Stiles settles on it being Bizarro Derek, and maybe an after effect of the trickster who was apparently in the area.

It's as good of a guess as any, Stiles doesn’t know, and he’s not sure he wants to find out. Eventually, sure, but right now he was enjoying the little ego boost. It was only really a problem if the trickster was using Derek and Derek wasn’t aware, but if it were actually the contents of Derek’s mind… and Stiles’ ass were the contents; Stiles wonders how he can parlay his ass into being the contents of Derek’s hands… or tongue?

Stiles decides he’ll grab his lube while he figures it out.

**

The next meeting is near the full moon and the dirty words have taken on a theme.

“It’s been so long since I let the wolf out. Let my claws scratch past the beds of my fingers and let my fangs breach my gums and just breathe. You’d like that wouldn’t you, sweetheart? My fangs dragging on your neck, my claws tattooing my name in the gorge of your ass, marking it as mine and ruining you for whomever decides to take a passable attempt at eating you out the way that only I can.”

Stiles gets so light headed that he’s sure if he were standing he would pass out. He chances a glance in Derek’s direction and is only met with a questioning look. Scott is explaining something about finding the trickster who was just in town briefly and would be passing through. Something about diplomacy… and… _shit_.

“Stiles, do you think we should trust him to just pass through? I mean, he seemed legit and he owned up to the border thing, but you’ve always said you can’t trust a-”

“Can you imagine it, Stiles? Me turning into a full wolf and lapping into that gorgeous honey pot of yours? You’d run your hands through my thick black hair before I’d bend you in half and put all of my weight on you, putting my teeth on your neck, controlling you and holding you down. Taking what was mine under the full moon.”

“Meep!” Stiles… _meeps_. He looks at Derek who’s looking out the window up into the sky. He flicks his eyes over to Stiles and then back out the window before chuckling lightly.

“Stiles! Dude!” Scott tries again, “What do you think we should do?”

“ _MINE_!”

“Are you okay, dude, you look a little pale?”

“MATE YOU, BREED YOU, MAKE YOU MINE!”

“Stiles? Scott, I think he’s gone offline.”

“CLAIM, BITE, _FUCK_!”

“Stiles, are you crying!? Dude, what the fuck?!”

Stiles hightails it to the door and runs out to his Jeep, his erection bouncing shamefully in front of him. He gets in his car and is about to start it when Scott slams his hands on the window. Stiles rolls it down while avoiding eye contact with the alpha.

“Stiles, are you okay? Did some guy threaten you? Who is it? I’ll break their neck! With my teeth!” Scott declares. Stiles winces, but smiles at his best friend’s attempt to salvage his honor and shakes his head. 

“Well it’s gotta be something, did some dude break your heart?”

“Not yet, Scottie. Not yet.” Stiles says as he looks wistfully back towards the house.

“What?”

“Nothing, man. I gotta go, I just… look, gimme a few days and we’ll catch up, okay?” Stiles nearly begs. Scott nods and steps back allowing Stiles to pull out. Stiles looks into his rearview mirror and sees Derek staring at him in the window. He ducks his head slightly and raises his brow like an invitation… or a challenge.

Stiles…. can’t. He just _can’t_.

**

“So there have been three separate reports, but they’re all kind of shady. No one has any photographic evidence, and the only damage seems to be some eviscerated cattle and busted up crops. I don’t know if it’s something we want to look into, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt. What do you think, Stiles?” Scott asks while briefing the pack on… something. Stiles is trying to concentrate, he is, but all he can hear is,

“I wonder what you taste like? I bet you’re super clean because you’re a naughty boy and you can’t keep your fingers out of your ass. And when you get done sometimes you suck on your fingers and chase the taste of yourself so you make sure that your lube is all natural and you use some shit like a vegetable bar in the shower. So you’re clean but you don’t completely wash away your own scent. That’s why you always smell like the woods after a rain and boy sweat and sex and fucking. Fucking like what I’m going to do to your ass, when I fill it up with come and make you fat with it. You’d like that wouldn’t you, being a fat little bitch for me?”

“I THINK MAYBE WE WAIT UNTIL WE SEE MORE SUBSTANTIAL DAMAGE.” Stiles yells… for some reason. Maybe it’s to block out the voice in his head, maybe he’s subconsciously really passionate about the matter at hand?

“Uhh, okay, Stiles. Lots of were ears in the room though, no need to yell. So anyhow, the creatures have been spotted right over the lay lines in the city and-” Scott continues.

“Such a naughty boy, yelling at your alpha like that. I think you need to be punished. I think I should spank you until your ass is bright red and then I’ll lick your bouncy little red bum and rub my stubble all over your body until it matches your ass and your pretty pink little rosebud. And then I’m going to hold you up in the air-”

“IN THE AIR?!?” Stiles… okay, yeah.

“Uhh, yeah Stiles," Scott tries to continue, "that’s usually where chymera are, considering they’re winged beasts."

“B- but.. my rosebud!”

“What?!” Scott shouts out as most the rest of the pack groan and Kira literally gets up and walks out of the room mumbling something about insanity in Japanese. “Jesus Christ, Stiles, come here.” Scott grabs Stiles by the arm and pulls him into the hallway.

“Now look, I feel like I’ve given you more than enough time to sort out whatever _this_ is.” Scott starts, indicating to Stiles’ entire sense of self. “ We don’t have time for this shit, though, so either go jack off in the Jeep or go home! Jesus, what’s wrong with you?!” Scott looks at Stiles with a mixture of disappointment and mild disgust. Also, puppy dog eyes.

“I don’t know, Scott, I’m.. I’m… so fucking horny, I’ll be right back!” Stiles runs out to his car and goes to town on himself, his cheeks are bright red and his entire body is hot. He tweaks his nipples while riding his spit slick fingers and jacking his turgid length until his spills all over his steering wheel. He comes to and as he reaches for the handiwipes in the glove compartment he glances back towards the house. There’s Derek, _watching_. He can’t tell if it’s a look of disgust… or disappointment. 

Shit, he has to be a- nope,  _get to_ the bottom of this.

**

The entire rest of the week Stiles researches trickster spells and searches Deaton’s library for any clue on what could possibly be going on. He comes up empty handed and Scott threatens to ban him from the next meeting. Stiles promises to be on his best behavior and makes it through unscathed, even contributing in meaningful ways. As Scott ends the meeting, Stiles exhales a huge sigh of relief. He’s making his way to the entryway when he hears someone call his name.

“Stiles?” Stiles turns around and the only person looking at him is Derek.

“What’s up, dude?” Stiles asks. Derek furrows his eyebrows and looks around causing Stiles to realize exactly what’s coming next. “Oh no, _no_ , not aga-”

“I wanna choke on your cock and turn as blue as my eyes will when I’m fucking you.” The voice demands and Stiles fucking loses it.

“IS THAT YOU?!” Stiles yells while pointing at a startled Derek.

“Stiles, bro, what-”

“SHUT UP, SCOTT! I LOVE YOU, BUT JUST SHUT UP!” Stiles points back at Derek, “ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! ARE YOU THE ONE FUCKING WITH MY MIND BY TELLING ME HOW YOU’RE GOING TO DO THE FILTHIEST, RAUNCHIEST, _RIGHTEST_ THINGS TO MY TEENAGED VIRGIN BODY?!”

“Dude!”

“SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!” Stiles says, windmilling his arms to point at everyone at once. He narrows his stare back at Derek, “It’s you isn’t it? Tell me you know what you’re doing to me! Tell me it’s you! It’s you, right? RIGHT?!”

Derek looks at Stiles with wide eyes and looks slowly around to the pack members who are watching with a mixture of fear, annoyance, and curiosity. He looks back at Stiles, raises an eyebrow and says,

“Yes.”

Stiles exhales and laughs a nervous, but relieved laugh.

“Oh man! Okay, then it must just be me, sorry to creep everyone out, I just thought that Derek was- wait _WHO-WHAT_?!?” Stiles flails and gawps at Derek who is looking at him like he’s an idiot.

“Of course it was me, Stiles. But I couldn’t very well say that stuff out loud. It would be _inappropriate_.”

“Whet?” Says… well, everyone in some way, Stiles is sure.

“I… I know I left things weird after the summer but I had some things to work out before trying anything with you. I thought maybe too much time had passed so I made a deal with the trickster. He’d get to go through our land peacefully and wreak a little bit of havoc, and I’d be able to let you know about some options that were on the table should you be interested.”

“Options, Hale!? Options?!” Stiles yells, “Do you know how much jerking off I’ve done in the past few weeks?”

“And that’s my cue, later guys.” Aiden says looking at Ethan. Sean tries to follow them, but is grabbed by Stiles.

“Did you even want to fucking date me? Did I mouth rape you when I kissed you?!”

Sean’s eyes go wide, “Uhh, no rape, you just caught me by surprise, that’s all. Actually, it's fine, I thought I was completely straight, but now I'm thinking about asking out Ethan." he says, pointing at Ethan whose eyebrows go up.

"Whoa! Really?"  Ethan asks while grinning.  Sean nods and starts to walks towards Ethan, but looks down at his shirt still clutched in Stiles' hand.  

"P-please let me go.” Stiles makes a face, but lets go and turns back towards Derek getting in his face.

“You couldn’t just come and talk to me like a normal human being?! You couldn’t just say that shit to my face?”

Derek rolls his eyes and sighs, “Stiles, what would it look like if I just walked up to you and told you I wanted to fuck you so hard into the easy chair that you’re going to get it pregnant and you’ll freak out about being a teenaged dad, but don’t worry because the loveseat will be happy to babysit and as we cuddle while your sweet ass is milking my knot, we’ll think of baby names for the lazy-boy. Maybe we’ll name him Otto since it will probably be a little ottoman and then there will be more and I’ll make you name them and then I’m going to fuck you into their overstuffed mouths?”

Stiles.. short circuits as much as any human can, he guesses. Lydia tuts from across the room while Stiles attempts to reboot and come back online.

“Really, Derek? Ottoman babies?” She asks, clearly judging their life choices. Derek simply shrugs,

“Well of course, it’s a metaphor. The crease is where the seat meets the back and it’s essentially the chair’s vagina. And as I plow Stiles from the back into the chair he’ll release right into it, hence… chair babies. The couch will be scandalized and a little judgemental that the chair wasn’t covered in plastic, but when it sees Stiles laid out so pretty on the chaise, it’ll fall in line.” Derek finishes.

Lydia sits with her mouth open and for a moment everyone sits where they are completely frozen. Finally, Boyd clears his throat and Scott opens his mouth to say… something. Probably about being disappointed in Derek. He never gets his chance, because Stiles finally resets. He starts flailing and throwing pillows and couch cushions at whomever is closest.

"FUCKING GET OUT IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS OR BE PREPARED TO SEE MY NAKED SPOTTED ASS IN THE AIR! PEOPLE THIS IS NOT A DRILL! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE! HALE, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DRESSED?!"

People are getting up in a frenzy and running towards the door, Stiles can hear cars starting up and peeling out of the drive. The last remaining stragglers are corralled out by a very agitated Stiles.

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME, BUT YOU GOT TO GET THE FUCK UP OUTTA _HURR_!” He yells before returning back to the living room and getting caught as he tries to pull his shirt off. He finally manages and notices that once again his flannel has stayed on. He doesn’t have time to think about it as he jumps on a shirtless Derek who catches him easily and wraps his legs around the wolf’s waist.

“FUCK, Derek! Are you fucking kidding me?” Derek is mouthing at Stiles neck and grumbling as Stiles runs his hands through the wolf’s hair and grinds his erection into his hip. “You son of a fucking bitch, you better do everything you’ve put in my head! If I’m not pregnant with Otto Mann Stilinski-Hale I’mma kick your werass!”

“Uhh, guys?” Stiles and Derek’s gaze both swing to the side where Erica is standing holding her phone. Stiles buries his face in Derek’s neck. “Do you mind if I…”

Stiles shrugs, but Derek growls.

“Okay, okay, I’m going, jeez. Spoilsports.” Stiles guesses Erica leaves, but he doesn’t know since Derek is carrying him upstairs to his bedroom and throws him unceremoniously on the bed. Then he looks at Stiles, flashes his eyes and roars at him.

“Mother _fucker_! Did you just roar at me?” Stiles yelps as Derek’s chest heaves and his features start shifting over to his beta ones. “Fucking do it again!”

Derek roars and pounces on Stiles, literally clawing his jeans from his body and turning him over, exposing his asshole to the air. Derek picks him up like a sack of potatoes and assaults his bussy with a tongue so hot, Stiles could probably cook an egg on his perineum. He can’t figure out whether to try and find purchase on the bed or reach back and cling to Derek for dear life, so he just swings in Derek’s arms while the wolf takes his fill.

“That ass and this mouth have been strangers for far too long!” Stiles isn’t sure who says that, but he really doesn’t care as Derek continues to ravish his hole.

**

Stiles is sore, but so happy as he wakes up sleepily being spooned by a gigantic wall of werewolf. He’s hot and sweating and he doesn’t care. He can feel Derek rumble behind him.

“Mmmm, so glad you’re here.” Derek muffles into Stiles’ neck. Stiles can’t help the smile that spreads over his face.

“I can’t believe you think I’m hot now.”

“I’ve always thought you were hot.” Derek replies with a kiss to Stiles’ nape.

“You son of a bitch! You know I love you, how could think I wouldn’t want you? That you couldn’t tell me all of that stuff directly?” Stiles asks, lightly petting Derek’s flank. Derek stills slightly and exhales.

“I basically flaunted Jennifer in your face. I guess I was trying to prove to myself that I could pick a lover who wouldn’t be a disaster and after that proved to be a failure, I didn’t know what would make you want someone like me.”

“Dude, what are you talking about? Push came to shove and you made the right decision. You believed me when I told you about my dad. You chose me over her. That was your decision, you were just too dickmatised to realize it.”

“You always were the smart one.” Derek says with a light pinch to Stiles’ ass. Stiles smirks proudly.

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

“A dirty mind is a wonderful thing to share.” Derek retorts. Stiles snorts.

“Who’s the smart one now?”

“What do you want me to do to you now?” Derek asks as he nips at Stiles’ ear.

“Hmm..” Stiles says, pretending to think. After a moment he looks back into Derek’s eyes through his lashes, “Well what did you have in mind?”

**

**Author's Note:**

> Stiles thinks Sean is the one saying stuff to him and takes him out. He thinks it's a date and kisses Sean at the end of the night. Sean's cool tho.
> 
> Comments and kudos are love! Come visit my [Tumblr!](http://ficcindylan.tumblr.com)


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